I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
