You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
