why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
