I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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