I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
