he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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