Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize