Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
