recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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