I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
