Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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