:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
