I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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