I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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