peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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