I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize