its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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