The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
