FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
