my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
