hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
