he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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