saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
