youre lurking in front of me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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