Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She told me I should be a condom model.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
