the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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