Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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