He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
