I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
