She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
