Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
