i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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