At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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