Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
