you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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