im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my being single is dangerous.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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