He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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