btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
