I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
