Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
