Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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