??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
