tell your sister to shave her snatch
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
