I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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