After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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