I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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