If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
