we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
