I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
