Don't make out with my wife yet
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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