is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
this boner is exhausting
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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