I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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