Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
