I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
