god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
