i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
