the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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